Jack Hardcastle

I decided, before I am to leave Houston forever, that I wanted to visit one of those big mega-churches that only seem to exist here. I figured Easter’s as good as any other time, and by attending “Resurrection Day”, I could hit two megachurches in one service. With around 34,000 people in attendance, the service was about as far from anything I have ever seen as I could imagine.

In addition to being the most unique service I’ve ever been to, it was also the most depressing. The professionally designed programs look more like magazine ads than church bulletins. There was a letter from the head pastor of each of the two megachurches, advising people to come to their conferences and their seminars. Then, on the inside, there were ads for the conferences and the workshops mentioned. The Second Baptist program is “Great Sex-pectations,” including the April 29 lecture entitled, “Sex — Why Wait?” Clearly appropriate material for an Easter Sunday service. The program also discusses the breakfast items for sale at the Concession stands and the books and CDs by the Pastors and the musical guests for sale around the park.

That was just the surface. The actual content of the morning was even more depressing. They drew people to the park promising Grammy-award winning artists and superstar country singers. There was no real content this morning; no bible verses were read, no stories told, no lessons shared. The first order of business was the offering. They encouraged people to fill out the visitor’s information cards by promising that 1000 lucky individuals would receive Astros tickets. There was a recurring theme with the World Series team. Reference was made to how this field was where the championship games were played. The team’s owner (who donated the use of the venue) was mentioned several times by name. For the pre-offering speech, Pastor Suzette Caldwell said “no one should feel pressured to give. God only wants cheerful givers.” She then encouraged everyone present to double their usual contribution, finishing with the statement that “if you cannot find it in your heart to give today, how can you imagine giving your only son for the world?” No pressure.

The first sermon offered up “forensic evidence” for Christ’s holiness. Pastor Ed Young said that Jesus’ life represented a 1:10¹⁷ chance of happening. How he got this statistic (from a real statistician, he claimed), I am unsure. How are you supposed to quantify the possibility that Jesus was the messiah proclaimed in the Old Testament? Pastor Young then said that if you had ever had cancer, or a disease, or you had been raped or molested, you should give back to the church. You read that right. I double checked it on the closed-captioning scoreboard. He worked rape and molestation into an Easter Sunday sermon.

Pastor Kirbyjon Caldwell spoke for the other church, Windsor Village UMC. He said the three most important people in the building were, in order, UT quarterback Vince Young (who wasn’t present, but his family was) because he overcame… UT history to be the first quarterback drafted since 1948. Clearly, that was due to his devout Christianity, unlike the previous 60 years worth of quarterbacks. Then there was Pastor Young, who came from rural Mississippi (“from a town even other Mississippians have never heard of”, like Glenwood, MD) and worked his way through college, “in part,” by measuring sewage pipes. Now he’s a big shot pastor, head of the “largest congregation in North America.” The third person Pastor Caldwell mentioned was… his wife, Pastor Caldwell.

I left before the service was over. There was some lengthy analogy about a 1924 World Series game in which a runner forgot to touch first base, and so his home run was invalidated. They invited anyone who wanted to “touch first base on their relationship with Jesus Christ” to come down onto the hallowed field and stand in front of their peers while they dedicated their lives to Christ. About this time, half the seated audience stood up and only a quarter of those went down to the field. I filed out with everyone else and went home.

So, one more once-in-a-lifetime activities crossed off my list. Only a few things left to do while I’m still at Rice.

P.S. I’m not sure anymore that the Lutheran Church is any better. Silly political squabbles abound there as well.